There is no rescuer coming to lift you out of your distress. The power to be happy is within each of us.
Either you will take the steps to tap into your happiness, or you will end up in relationship after challenging relationship until you exhaust all possibilities and have no choice but to turn inward. Either way, you are inevitably responsible for your own happiness.
Change is a constant, so don’t keep the past on life support.
We all need room to change, grow, and evolve. The person you’ve become and the person you fell in love with may not have the same preferences, values, and worldview 5 years (or 5 days) down the line.
It’s not fair to hold people to how they felt or to what they said in the past, when life experience offers an ever-broadening perspective.
To continue cultivating an environment of vulnerability, openness, and support, let go of the past (when you didn’t know better), and learn to embrace and celebrate change.
It took me a long time to realize that each person is responsible for their life. It took me years to discover that my anguish, my mortification, my depression, my courage, my insomnia and my stress, did not solve their problems but aggravated mine.
I am not responsible for the actions of others, but I am responsible for the reactions I express to that.
Therefore, I came to the conclusion that my duty to myself is to remain calm and let each one solve what corresponds to them.
I have taken courses in yoga, meditation, miracles, human development and mental hygiene, and in all of them, I found a common denominator: finally they all lead to the same point.
And, it is that I can only interfere with myself, you have all the necessary resources to solve your own lives.
I can only give you my advice if you ask me and it depends on you to follow it or not.
So, from now on, I cease to be: the receptacle of your responsibilities, the sack of your guilt, the laundress of your remorse, the advocate of your faults, the wall of your lamentations, the depositary of your duties, who should solve your problems or spare a tyre every time to fulfill your responsibilities.
The question shouldn’t be, “What is wrong with inter-caste or inter-racial marriages?” but it should be, “What are the issues with inter-caste or inter racial marriages?”
Marriage by its very nature brings in the challenge of resolving differences. It is the challenge of two individuals searching for sameness beyond their differences. The man woman differences, intellectual differences, the differences in emotional responses, the differences in tastes, the differences in family values and personal values, etc. It is not about “What is wrong with inter-caste marriages?’ but it is about the issue of resolving the differences getting compounded even further. Faith and the path of faith are two major factors in the life of an individual, and any difference in it makes the institution of marriage even more complex.
And, in an Indian context, while a man gets married to a girl, a girl gets married to a family. So, in an inter-caste marriage, the man has to only make a few adjustments, while the girl will have to make some major compromises. While a man has to make some changes to his lifestyle after marriage, for a girl, her entire lifestyle changes because of marriage, although this is changing for the good these days. A new home, a new set of relatives, new priorities,new food habits, new expectations, new ego management, and all these are inevitable… but in the context of inter-caste or inter-racial marriage, now you have to also deal with a new God, and a new path to God. The simple question is, “Should a complex life be further complicated?”
Having said all this, the truth remains, “In a relationship where love triumphs, all these become mere details. In a relationship where love fails, everything is an issue.” We have to understand, “Where conditions take the front row, relationships take a back seat. Where relationships take the front row, conditions take a back seat! Either, relationships can triumph, or conditions can triumph-both cannot.”
If you can put your beloved above everything else… then from any context, a beautiful relationship can be built. In love, even wrong becomes right. Without love, everything is wrong… nothing is right.
How do you respond to the distorted stories told to you by your child?
Most parents immediately defend themselves and try to set the record straight…but this is exactly the wrong thing to do!
When a child is being alienated from you, they are being fed a false narrative FOR YEARS. They start believing these stories, which include you being a liar, you being manipulative, and you being worthless. Responding defensively will only reaffirm to your child that you are the liar they have been taught that you are.
Your child has also learned to associate you with chaos. When you contradict your child’s “stories”, it often turns into a convince-and-resist dance. You try to convince your child that the story is not true, and they resist your assertions. This provides an opportunity for the conversation to escalate, which is often subconsciously precipitated by your child to reinforce the “fact” that you bring chaos.
So…how exactly should you respond? With a question. Ask questions that encourage your child to think critically and draw their own conclusion that what they’ve been told may be inaccurate.
But…what about those of you who only have one-way contact? Who rely on their child remaining connected by reading the posts they make on social media? Same story goes…do NOT share your truth! Do not try to educate your child about parental alienation.
Your child’s alliance is with your co-parent. They don’t value your point of view. And they perceive the “education” as a (very public) slight against the parent they are strongly aligned with. Your attempts to shed light on the “truth” will only further reinforce how “bad” you are because your ex can do no wrong in their minds.
Living in the moment is about enjoying your present. It is about appreciating what you have in your hand without worrying about the past or fear of the future.
Most of the people don’t enjoy their life because either they are carrying the burden of their past or they overthink about their future. We have only one life to live and the moments that pass never come back.
We cannot control everything in our lives but we can try our best to be happy and joyful with what we have and live every moment to the fullest. Make the most of the life you have.
I spoke to some fathers in the run up to Fathers Day on 19th June 2022, who highlighted their ongoing grief of fatherlessness for their respective children.
So it made me ponder the below thought:
“How can we all help to build healthier environments for men and boys in our communities?”
Overwhelmingly the feedback was that male-friendly environments, male friendly media narrative, positive systemic change, along with positive male role models will play a vital role in supporting families, reducing male distress, and reducing fatherlessness.
“Research over many years has indicated that fatherlessness is the best and most accurate predictor for children having poor outcomes later in life.”
Reverse the Fatherlessness Pandemic
The “living bereavement” of losing one’s children through family breakdown, yet knowing they are alive and out of reach is the cause for ongoing distress amongst many separating dads. Listening to and understanding the deep concerns and ongoing grief of separated fathers in a living bereavement is the starting point.
Positive Male Role Models
In calling for positive male role models in children’s lives, our dads have highlighted the need to appreciate the importance of and make acceptable again the ‘rites of passage’ for young men, assisting them to navigate safely from childhood into adulthood, find purpose and meaning in life, and reinforce their emotional, intellectual, and social wellbeing.
Positive male role models play a significant role in children’s development and assist in the child’s ability to form trusting relationships and interact positively with others. Studies have shown that a father’s involvement as a positive male role model profoundly affects children’s development and future success in life.
Male Friendly Environments
In supporting men and fathers, more male friendly places for socialising are needed. A focus is also needed on providing male friendly support services for men in distress. Currently maximum support services are either designed to accommodate women or both genders but always in a female friendly way. Very few services are available that are male friendly.
Male Friendly Narratives
Dads are also calling for active listening to their issues, and unbiased narrative and reporting particularly across the media.
Positive male role models that are not portrayed in the media as misogynistic just because they are male. The narrative needs to shift to acknowledge the vital role that fathers play in their children’s lives. Male voices for healthy families should have a place in the narrative, whereas currently many fathers feel that their voices are being suppressed.
“Men do talk, they just feel unheard and invisible in the current environment”
Male friendly systemic change particularly in the Family Courts.
A key concern amongst all dads involved in the research is that all men should not be blamed for the actions of some. Whilst domestic violence is its own pandemic, currently all fathers are tarred with the same brush.
As family breakdown is at an all-time high, dads are calling for the courts not to assume that all men are violent, misogynistic, or uninvolved in their children’s lives simply because they are male. Dads are suffering in the family courts based on stereotyping and a negative bias against men.
As per the data, in 2020, while 700 women died by suicide, the figure for men was 131 per cent more, having 1,622 deaths. In 2019, 106 per cent more men died by suicide than women while in 2018, the gap was 116 per cent.
Hence being male, supporting men by building healthier environments is a critical factor in stemming the tide of male suicide.
Let’s support separating parents experiencing trauma through family breakdown, and loss of regular access to their children, a factor closely linked to suicide.
I hope you appreciate my view, nonetheless this Super Daddy will always be at your rescue ❤️
Boundaries show people who love you how to love you. Sadly, we don’t have these conscious and honest conversations with our spouse.
“I need us to spend quality time together every week. Would you be willing to do that?”
“Let’s go over the details of our expenses. It will be helpful to get clear on who pays for what.”
“I’m not into the idea of experimenting with… (positions, preferences, styles)
“I’m not having sex without a condom”
“I don’t want to hear any comments about my weight or my body.”
“I don’t like it when you speak to me so loudly. We can talk if you lower your voice.”
“I feel tired after a long day at work. We need to divide our household chores equally.”
“This conversation is hard for me right now. Can we come back to it… ” (suggest another day or time)
“Please don’t pressure me to join you for all your family / social events”
“I cannot join you for… I have plans with friends”
The result is unmet expectations from the relationship where one partner feels they are the ones always sacrificing in the relationship. Love yourself first and don’t forget to give more love to your partner…
A well-respected leader in my professional community once told me she had broken up and gotten back together with her partner 11 times in three years. That was a defining moment for me, because I realized that absolutely everyone experiences challenges in relationships, no matter how enlightened. A love relationship can be difficult even when you understand the nuances of human behavior — especially when you understand human behavior.
Some principles which people fail to understand…
1. Your “ideal” relationship will be unique to you.
Love may not look how you imagined. You may not be married by the time you’re in your 30s, 40s, or even 50s. You may not have children. And all of that is OK. Learn your lessons, be open to the guidance of your heart, and let go of the social conditioning that tells you where you should be in life to be happy. Accept that where you are now is where you should be — and stay committed to growth.
2. One of the biggest mistakes you can make in a relationship is seeking your happiness in the other person.
The movies are wrong. There is no person who completes you — who is capable of transforming you into a permanently happy person. Your partner’s attributes may complement yours nicely, but they can never complete you, because on a soul level, you are already complete. What’s required is a space for you to explore and express yourself as authentically as possible.
3. You must give what you want to receive.
If you want love, you must be more loving. If you want understanding, you must be understanding. That’s the proper sequence — giving first, then being open to receiving. But remember: You must give without expecting anything in return. Also, because the emotional bank account between you and your partner may be in the red, you may have to give a lot more than you initially thought to get out of debt and begin experiencing the flow of reciprocity…